*Groan* *Mumble* *Groan*... As though pushing words out of your mind and onto paper isn't a Herculean task already, some bright spark invented writing goals. Because what every writer needs, apparently, is another reason to feel guilty about binge-watching the latest Marvel Universe film instead of churning out the next great American novel.
But, fear not, dear reader! I'm here to guide you through this perilous journey with a mix of wit, sarcasm, and a dash of masochism.
The "Tick-Tock" Trick
First up, we have the good old timer trick. The idea is deceptively simple: set a timer for 30 minutes and write until it goes off. It's a lot like running, but instead of gasping for breath and cursing the moment you ever thought exercise was a good idea, you're wrestling with syntax and questioning your life choices.
Some writers, in a bizarre display of creativity, even download fancy online clocks and timers. Yes, because when you're staring at a blank page, what you really need is an aesthetically pleasing clock ticking down the seconds to your impending doom. But hey, at least it's not another cat video, right?
The Word Count Wager
Next in our arsenal of masochistic methods is the word count goal. Because nothing sparks creativity quite like the pressure of hitting a word count. It's sort of like a high-stakes game of "Wheel of Fortune", but the only prize is a fleeting sense of accomplishment before you realize you have to do it all over again tomorrow.
Chapter by Chapter
Now, if you're feeling particularly ambitious (or delusional), you might decide to write a book. If that's the case, I suggest a simple tactic: breaking it down into chapters. It's like eating an elephant, but with less risk of indigestion and more risk of crippling self-doubt.
The Final Countdown
Lastly, there's the ultimate goal: completing the project. This might seem like the Mount Everest of writing goals. But remember, even Everest is just a bunch of small rocks piled on top of each other. All you need to do is break down your project into manageable chunks, like a game of Tetris where every line completed brings you closer to that sweet, sweet finish line.
Writing Goals: The Pen is Mightier Than the Procrastinator
So, there you have it... The secret to writing is setting goals, breaking them down, and then wrestling them into submission one tick-tock, one word, one chapter at a time. It might sound daunting, but remember: every great piece of writing started as a blank page and a stubborn writer.
As Ernest Hemingway once said, "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." But with your shiny new set of writing goals, you'll be bleeding efficiently and on schedule - just like a real-life a writer.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a timer and a blank page. Wish me luck!